I have meant to post this back in September 2013 but for some reason, I never did but its worth sharing so enjoy.
I know I haven't written in this blog in over a year or so, but I now feel like have gone in a different direction than I wanted to take it. I often have these moments, funny thing is, it usually happens before i fall asleep or try to sleep early, but I get to thinking about a lot of things; my life, people I know, what I can do to help people, what I need to do to better myself. My thoughts, my mind, is complicated, that is for sure. When I try to explain them, they don't come out the way I'd like them too. I don't express them the way I mean to and that can pass off confusing reactions. Maybe I'm the only one that thinks this way, maybe not. Only way to find out is step out of my "confort zone" and express them.
Quite a bit has happened in the past few years. Most of it I honestly didn't enjoy, I've been feeling like I'm not living, I'm existing. I haven't found where I need to go yet or what I should be doing. Stress of now being an adult makes it harder when there's these pieces of paper call bills that you have to pay and moving around a lot, changing jobs, makes it even more difficult. In a sense, I just felt lost. All I've done is held onto a past, the bit of happiness I once had hoping that it could one day be my happiness yet again. Today, I've realized this is not the case.
I find it funny how they say watching t.v. is bad for you, even extensively, but when I do, I somehow apply something from it to my life or something said in the show points something out even to myself. But its not always that way, I find it through books or going to church and even in a song. I can find something that I need to hear at the time and it helps me get by and past whatever is holding me back at the time. Media isn't bad, its how its used. It's what you take from it. I know that's not what the writers intend, they just want a good story. But isn't that kind of the reason why we watch them; because we feel we are connected to the characters in some way? If no one feels this way, then call me crazy but I do feel I can relate in some way.
Watching this show called Castle, is about a novel writer named Rick Castle, teams up with a lead investigator of the NYPD, Kate Beckett solving various unusual crimes even with the escalating tension between them. Not the best description I know, but that's what I could pull out of my head. The very end of season 4, episode 23, Castle is attending his daughter's High school graduation. She is giving a speech and this is what she says:
“There is a universal truth we all have to face whether we want to or not. Everything eventually ends. As much as I’ve looked forward to this day, I’ve always disliked endings. The last day of summer, the final chapter of a great book, parting ways with a close friend. But endings are inevitable. Leaves fall, we close the book, you say goodbye. Today is one of those days for us. Today we say goodbye to everything that was familiar everything that was comfortable. We’re moving on. But just because we are leaving, and that hurts, there are some people who are so much a part of us they’ll be with us no matter what. They are our solid ground, our north star. And the small clear voices in our hearts that will be with us. Always.”
When I heard this, it clicked. Why it took me so long to realized when I already knew this. Everything about this puts my thoughts into something that i can better understand things and why there is change and I for one hate change, but so far, my changes haven't been for the better. Maybe I'm not making the right changes that better me, just my situations. changes that better my security but doesn't challenge me to be who I am. I know for a fact I am not the person I want to be. I thought once that I was who I wanted to be, but that was when things were easy. Compared to now, I had it easy then. Sometimes I do need to say goodbye in able to welcome in a new, better change to my life; whether it may be people, feelings, hobbies, dreams, wants. There needs to be room made in order for things to happen.
Its also letting go of fears. Fears get in our way more than we should let them. I'm not talking fear of the dark, or fear of eight legged creatures that hide in dark places. I'm talking more of fear of failure, fear of whatever it is that's in your way of doing something. If a spider is preventing you from cave exploring, then walk around it! If the dark is making it hard to see where you're going, turn on the light. Dare to do things you fear, because I do believe that we will be stronger than we thought we would be.
This is my thoughts for the night. This is based on my life and my personal insight. I'm not asking for advice or anything, I just ant to share the little wisdom I gave to myself, and I hope it helps someone too.
